The World According To G!rL

One of the hardest things to listen to the addict say, is that no one understands unless they are an addict too. . . except they have no idea how their addiction effects those closest to them. They don't realize that the people closest to them, their family, and friends are going through the addiction and dealing with the addiction right along side the addict.

Parents of an addict have it really rough. They can't do much other than just sit back and watch their child slowly kill themselves. . .what a horrible thing to have to watch. They deal with the addict stealing from them to feed the addiction. . .The parents watch as their child goes in and out of jail. . .begging to be bailed out.

The younger siblings watch their big sister/brother completely throw their life away. At such a young age they watch the addict taken out of the home in handcuffs by a sheriff. They watch the addict be kicked out of the home and placed in a youth home, left there while the rest of the family tries to keep life going. They get phone calls in the middle of the night from the addict while they are high/drunk/stoned. . .whatever. . . they have to listen to the addict say how they want to change so bad, when it's just the drugs talking. . .because it happens OVER & OVER. . . they stop trusting the addict. The young siblings are the ones who go over to babysit the addict when they've been using. . .they are the ones that take the addict to the hospital to get fixed up when they've hurt themselves while using. They get yelled at and cursed at and told that they don't care about the addict. . .even when they do everything in their power to help the addict, or be supportive, or encouraging.

The addicts child(ren) suffers so deeply. They get taken away from their mother/father. The child raises the addict instead of being raised by a parent. The child gets themselves up in the morning, they feed themselves, they get themselves off to school. They sit and listen to their parents scream at each other, or hit each other. . .

The addict is NOT alone in their addiction, they don't deal with it by themselves. . .

if you wanna check it out.

I've been a crazy doodler for-forever and used to doodle her pictures all the time. Or when I'd go to her house I would doodle on her napkins or whatever I could get my hands on. I always have a pen in hand...

Anyway I thought it would be fun to post them so I could still draw her pictures even though she just moved away. It's been pretty fun.

:)

What a wonderful message. . . It makes me so grateful that I still have my brother, that he never took his life because of the horrible way people treated him...and still do because he is gay. Or for the fear that his family wouldn't love him if they knew... For the absolute condemnation of his church leaders and the majority of the community... He had so many reasons to give up. . . But I am beyond grateful for the life he still leads today.

So many people have awful opinions of homosexuals. Which is really sad, because for the most part, they are wonderful, amazing people. People who love beyond most. People, not animals. People with amazing talent. People that are clean. People that have beautiful spirits. People who are stronger than most.

I have one of the most incredible brothers in the world. Although I dont have to agree with what he has choosen I still love him very much. He is one of the most genuine and loving people. Anyone who is lucky enough to have him as a friend can atest to the fact that he is the best kind of friend anyone could ask for.

I love you Brother!

            ...and yet I have no way of conveying everything that is rolling around up there. There are so many emotions and thoughts...but no way of releasing them.

I am void of any sensible thought. Just a bunch of muddled and tangled up feelings.

I thought I would be able to sit and release all that is in my heart tonight on my blog... but nothing is coming to me. I've been sitting here staring at this ridiculous moniter for an hour now, (for the second night in a row) with nothing to say but that I can't say anything.

FRUSTRATING!

My Mother is the most absolutely amazing woman I know. 

Over the last few years she has been through so much, and she's truly taught me how to overcome weakness' and how to grow from hard times.

So many times she helped me realize who I was when I would forget... When I'd start to fall away she'd grab on and pull me back to where I belonged... She never gave up on me...when I'm sure I gave her many reasons to give up. She has always loved me...and has never made me doubt that love.

In February she gave me the most gorgeous wedding. She basically did everything. She planned it from the music to the food to the decor... and it was unbelievable. I can't ever thank her enough for this HUGE sacrifice she made for me.

My mom is one of my very best friends in the whole world. The one person I can go and cry to about anything and everything and I know she'll make me feel better, or help me better understand whatever predicament I'm in at the time. I couldn't ask for a better friend. She's always been there to kiss my "owies" and wipe away tears from my cheeks. She's never made me feel inadequate or that she didn't love me.

One of my very most favorite things about her is her unfailing faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. From the time that I was a small child there was never a time that I remember her not reading her scriptures at night, or saying her personal prayers. Mom has always had such a wonderful knowledge of the Savior...a knowledge that I've been so envious of. Never have I wondered if my Mother believed the things she so passionately taught her children about the gospel because she lives those principals everyday.

Thank you Mom. For everything you've done for me. I wouldn't trade you for anyone in the world to be my Mommy. I love you so much! 

It blows me away at the things people think up to say to another individual. 

For instance...

Today I was cashiering on aisle 21. . .so exciting right? . . .um, I think not. . .

none-the-less, this woman in her early to mid fifties came through my line. I was just starting to ring up the woman before her (who just happens to be her daughter) when she looks at me and says,

"When is your baby due?"

I thought she may have been talking to someone else. . .or maybe I heard her wrong. . . (which was a definite possibility. . .I think I'm going deaf.)

 

But no. She repeated the same question that I thought I must have heard wrong the first time. 

I kind of tilted my head to one side... and just looked at her for a moment... like...  

  'Did you honestly just ask me that'? rather than reacting in such a manner  I simply dropped my head in embarrassment responding,

"Ma'am I'm not pregnant." and finished up with the woman before her and began scanning her items. She just looked at me and went on by saying curtly,

"Oh, well I just thought because... well... you look like it"

Not only did she wrongfully voice that she thought I was pregnant, but she poured salt directly into the fresh, open, gaping wound by justifying it because I "look it".  She wasn't speaking in a hushed tone either... everyone in the line before and after her heard this whole thing take place. 

Lemme just shove the knife a little further in and twist and torque it a little bit for you. . .make sure it's nice and deep...

 The biggest sting didn't even come with the insult and insinuation that I'm fat...(which given isn't big news... I'm not the tiny barbie doll that you see walking around) and well..."look it" but the fact that she assumed I was pregnant when I can't even get pregnant...it's not possible for me to get pregnant.

At that moment when she insulted me the second time a half a billion nasty things came into my mind to say to her... but I decided she wasn't worth it. I finished checking her out and didn't speak another word till she was gone. I was extremely grateful that no one following her said anything about what she said. I think I would have burst into tears right then and there. 

However I saved my tears for my break when I called my AMAZING Mother... who gave consolation, and tried her best to fix my broken-ness at that moment with words of encouragement. My Mother has always been the one to tell me that I'm beautiful even when I feel like the ugliest person on the planet. . . -sometimes I think it's that code that Mom's can't say their own children are ugly. . .but either way it made me feel better to know that my Mom still thinks I'm beautiful regardless of my weight.

I really have such a hard time comprehending what people think is okay to say. Do people not think at all before they open their mouths?  Does no one in the world have a sense of propriety anymore or is all the decency gone from here? 

I often hear stories similar...or worse than my experience. People make the most inconsiderate and ignorant comments now-a-days. 

There is NOTHING glamorous about it. But hell...it's a job. Plus I have some great managers and so I can't really complain.

Getting back to work after being at home for nearly three months has been a little rough.

But so worth it. . .

Plus having a job will make things much better in my marriage. . .because Scott won't have to worry about paying all our bills plus trying to put food on the table. The last few months he's been wonderful about picking up the slack. We had our arguements about the issue but in the end he's so willing to make sure I'm taken care of. I'm just glad I can be of help now...to lighten the burden.

"Live the gospel simply, and simply live the gospel."

Whenever I get in a rut in life and stop doing all the things I know I should...I'm not as happy...and life becomes more complicated....

HOWEVER...it seems that when I begin to get back ON track...even more goes wrong and I find myself even more miserable because of the things that go wrong.

So how might one overcome this obstacle?  hmmm....

I'm so beyond greatful for the amazing man laying next to me.  My husband. My best friend. My one and only love. He is so good to me. Always making me smile even when I want to cry my eyes out. The person who is supportive of EVERYTHING I do. I'm so glad to have Scott in my life... To have him loving me....the best way anyone could ever love me. 

I'm greatful for the home I have. For the car I drive. For the two sweet birds scott just bought me. The bed I get to sleep in. The air i breathe each day. For the beautiful sun that shines... and for the stars that twinkle in the night. I'm thankful for the people that surround me and touch my life each day. My beautiful Mother. My three big brothers, and my three sisters... For Nick. I'm glad for smiles, and laughter.  For my amazing nieces and adorable nephews...my sunlight in the darkest day. I'm thankful for flowers and for the majestic mountains. The tender love of my husband.  For the  safety I enjoy each day. For the country of freedom I live in. 

i'm thankful for so much, my heart is bursting with gratitude today for every little blessing in my life. . .

I take a breath and close my eyes trying to escape the blackness...

Just being drawn further back,

Vivid images...just like watching it on a t.v.  over and over. 

As though someone keeps pushing rewind...

Becoming more and more real as the seconds tick on.

Watching it unfold all over again...

Wondering how I let it happen.

Sick to my stomach that I was so weak.

Trying to understand such madness...

Then a warm hand reaches out and touches my hand...

Stops the pain for a moment and takes me away from the past,

The hand pulls me back to the realization that it is over,

That someone is beside me, loving me. -the right way.

Married life is....

                         AMAZING,

               It's magical...most of the time,

     Full of Laughs

                             ....Along with a few tears.

It's kisses and hugs...

                      and waking up each day in the arms of the person I love.

 It's Incredible

            So fun, and full of adventures.

                           It's also hard, 

         .... and sometimes EXTREMELY frustrating...

But in the grand scheme of things...so worth the frustration

I couldn't be happier. I couldn't love deeper. I couldn't want anything more.

I never though I would be married, or have a family.

Tomorrow this figment of a young girls imagination is actually coming true...

I don't know how it happened...I dont know what made you fall in love....

All I know is that starting tomorrow I will be married. 

I will be starting a new life with my best friend by my side.

My heart is yours, and I know I have yours. 

The reality of all of this is beginning to hit me...

Thinking about walking down that aisle towards you makes me so giddy... 

I can't seem to stop smiling...I have butterflies going crazy inside.

AH! We're getting married!

Oh how you've stolen my heart...

from that cool June night...

Watching the city from the mountain wrapped in your strong arms.

From your goofy faces you pull, to the smile that makes me go weak at the knees....

You have stolen my heart...

everytime you look deep into my eyes to tell me you love me.

When our eyes meet for the first time each morning.

Baby you have stolen my heart.

I hate more than anything when someone says, "Don't cry"

Did God not give us tear ducts for a reason?

Whether it's to shed tears of joy, or tears of pain?

Unfortunately I was blessed with the Jarman Cry gene...

and more often than not I find myself in tears...

whatever the reason is...

But I never understand when someone says, "Don't cry".

Not crying keeps emotions bottled up and then they all burst out all at once...

causing a great sea, or flood of tears rather than a few drops now and again.

If ever you see a tear cascading down my cheek don't tell me not to cry...

Just let me lean into you and let the tears come.

In 18 days I will marry my best friend.

 The one that makes me laugh when I want to cry (or already am crying).

 The one that loves me better, and more deeply than anyone ever has.

 The one that makes me happier than I have been.

In 18 days I will walk towards him in a white dress.

 We will dance.

 We will laugh.

 And we will cry.

In 18 days I will be a wife.

 To an amazing man.

 To a strong man.

 To a gentle man.

In 18 days I will look into your blue eyes and promise to love you for forever.

 To be the best I can for you.

 To always be there to care for you. 

 To support you in every aspect.

In 18 days, I will marry my best friend.

-I love you with all of my heart.