The World According To G!rL

In the last year I feel there has been so many hurdles to overcome, so many stumbling blocks to stumble over...That I don't know which way is up sometimes. When I get to a big problem, or trial that seems to incredibley big for me to handle...where I think to myself, "what was God thinking...I can't do this!" I am reminded of the song, 'How to Move a Mountain' by Cheri Call. She talks about how no matter how much you pray as long as your just standing there that mountain isn't going to move. But if you get your boots on and start moving forward, that mountain is going to end up under your feet...and your going to conquer all sorts of mountains in your life time.
In March I tried to take my own life. I couldn't live with the pain that a horrible person had caused by sexually abusing me. In May my Mom and Dad separated, and mom moved out. In June Mom found out she might have cancer. In July Jayson was still unsure of where he would work, or if he would work. August 16....Mom had surgery. A double mastectomy and reconstructive. on the 20th Mom and Dad's divorce went through. on the 31st Dad went on his first date. September 6th Dad tells us he's engaged to another woman.
And all through August my Amazingly awesome brother just older than I is being sexually harassed at work by a pedophile...then is fired for being "hostile" in the office.

As I sit here listening to Cheri Call sing about moving mountains...and sit thinking about all the awful things that happened and that are going on in my family...I can't help but be grateful for all the amazing things that I have in my life...

1. Scott, 2. Scott's family, 3. Mom, 4. a bed to sleep in, 5. clothes to wear, 6. my brothers, 7. my sisters, 8. my nieces and nephews, 9. the work that Tim(father-in-law) has been giving me 10. the love that my family has for one another, 11. the knowledge of the gospel that I have.........

I could go on and on....I'm so blessed...and lately I haven't been looking at those things. I've been so focused on the bad stuff that I've been crabby and ornery.

Let us all be grateful for what we have and not be so focused on the bad in our lives...
don't let the important things be at the mercy of the little things.

this is the first day of actual drawing! just getting the out lines no shadowing or anything. I stayed up til 4 am perfecting the eyes...and of course they still aren't perfect. HA! I can't wait to finish it and see how it turns out!!!

today I started my art class. My fiance Scott, his Dad Tim Bird runs an Art studio and he teaches Air-Brush classes and he's making me take classes from him and today was my first day!

And WOW!.....with everything that has been going on, I wish I had started weeks ago! There is such a relaxing feeling, such a freedom that comes with drawing.

This picture of Rachel and I is the composition that I'm doing. It's always been one of my all time favorite photos of mine...I'm SO excited to do it! I'll take pictures throughout the project and keep posting them! :D YAY!

just ten days after comes the "first" date.


Day eleven the love letter.... explaining the affection, and the anticipation of the next meeting....the love letter just sitting there on the kitchen table where we all used to gather to eat dinner as a family. On the table the love letter lays where we would spend Sunday nights rambunciously playing games together, laughing and talking. The love letter to her...sitting in place of where the cards used to be placed expressing love and appreciation for mother.... The love letter...that with every word a tear fell. The love letter....that with every sentance another crack in my broken heart. The love letter that was the icing on the cake....The love letter that was the last straw. The love letter that made me realize how much of a husband you never were...and the father you never could be.

To get where you can breathe deep...where when it rains it doesn't smell like assphalt and dirty city....
To lay in the arms of the one I love. To have his kisses wake me in the morning. To have his hand reach out for mine each time we left for the waters edge....


Nothing could compair to these small little moments that I have shared with you the last two days. I love you with every fiber of my being....I love you to the stars.

The icey winds lashed against my cheeks,
and nipped at the tip of my chilled nose.
I tried to catch my breath in the cold air...
but found I couldn't. I began to gasp for a single breath that seemed to be just out of reach.
My heart began to race and pound so hard. I clutched my chest
and then just as quickly began to slow until it had stopped completely.
I blinked slowly. Watching as the room around me became a blurr.
I started to sway. I heard a voice saying my name....each time I heard it I felt a bit of warmth touch my soul.
the voice was so familiure, but so far away, so distant. Almost as if it were coming from across a great sea, and being tossed, and lossed in the waves until I could no longer hear it.

- then it was black. everything was gone. I felt no want, no desires, no fears, no pains, no happiness, nor sorrow...nothing. I heard nothing. No sound of the movie playing in the background, no deep heavy breathing of my one love laying next to me. No sound of the A/C kicking on. No sound of people walking above us...nothing. I saw nothing, no body beside me, no pictures surrounding me, no light peeking through the window...it was black, it was the darkest of darks. I could feel the darkness and as seconds crept by I felt it get darker.
With the darkness came the most horrific sense of fear that has ever come over me. It filled every bit of me, body and soul. Just when I thought that all hope was lost, that this was it....I heard that sweet voice from a distance again....slowly getting closer to me, calling my name...
"Emilee", "Emilee"............

Sometimes... You make me crazy!
most of the time, I'm crazy about you...
Sometimes... You make me angry!
most of the time, I'm angry at how much I love you...
Sometimes...You make it hard to breathe!
most of the time, I'm breathe taken at how amazing you are...
Sometimes... You make me cry!
most of the time, I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard...
Sometimes... You make me wonder!
most of the time, I'm wondering what it will be like in a year from now...
Sometimes... You make me giggle at you!
most of the time, I'm giggling because of the butterflies you just gave me...
Sometimes... You make my knees hurt!
most of the the time, I just go weak at the knees when your lips touch mine...
Sometimes... You make my heart hurt!
most of the time, my heart is hurting because it's stopped when you said you loved me...

I have so often asked myself...and others,
"what is love?"....and have never really been satisfied with any answer.
But I think I know now...I think i know because pretty sure I'm IN LOVE.

Love is:
When you fall asleep on the phone everynight to the sound of your boy's breathing, and wake up to your phone beeping from a txt saying, "good morning beautiful"

Love is:
When you feel like you are having the ugliest, frumpiest day of your life...and he walks up and says, "How did I get so lucky? To end up with a girl as gorgeous as you?"

Love is:
When you have awful scary dreams so he give you his pillow and makes it smell like him...so that when you wake from the bad dreams you can hug the pillow and it's like he's right there next to you so you aren't alone.

Love is:
When you can act like yourself, and not be afraid to be you. Where you don't have to act like someone else to impress him....because he fell in love with YOU.

Love is:
When you meet his family and fall in love with them as much as you love him...when you can wrap your arms around his mom and tell her good night.

Love is:
When he drives a stick but still holds your hand even though it's ten times harder to drive when he does.

Love is:
When he whispers so quietly in your ear that he wants to spend the rest of eternity with you, that he wants to be the one that walks you through the temple.

Love is:
When he tells you that ya'll can't do that because he wants ya'll to stay being good so you can do things right.

Love is:
When you can spend everyday together, and talk from the moment you wake to the moment you fall asleep...and still not have enough of each other.

Love is:
Simple.

Love is:
Scott Gary Bird.

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand
Says you'll catch me where ever I fall
You say it best
When you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking aloud
But when you hold me near you drown out the crowd
Old Mr. Webster could never define
What's been said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand
Says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best
When you say nothing at all

The smile on your face
Lets me know that you need me
There's a truth in your eyes
Saying you'll never leave me
The touch of your hand
Says you'll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best
When you say nothing at all

The fear of loss has become so much.
I pretend it's not there,
I can't imagine what you are going through.
To think that the following months could be your last....
What would you do?

I'd take the time to smell the flowers in the yard the way you would do.
I'd take more time to play with my dog the way you did.
I'd take more time with my family because you never know...
I'd take the time to do play with a soccer ball because it's what I love.
I'd take the time because you never did.
I'd go to visit friends laugh, smile, live.
I'd go to visit my grandaddy, and grams because you always taught me how important it was.

I'd tell you how much I love you. How sorry I was for all the times I made you cry, or for all the times I made you disappointed, sad, or angry. I'd tell you sorry for turning away from you when you really needed me. . .when he really needed you. I'd tell you thank you for teaching me to love my savior, and how important it was to know him. I'd thank you for the countless times you saved my butt by bringing an assignment I left at home to school. Or finishing typing a paper for me because I was too tired to do it, and you were faster anyway. I'd tell you how grateful I was for the many years you worked out of the home to provide the very best you could for your family. I'd tell you thank you for teaching me the importance of honesty in all I do. and of hard work. The love of nature, of birds, life, and home.
I would tell you how sorry I was for taking you for granted. Thank you for never missing a single soccer game, and even making it to a few I coached. I'd tell you how glad I was you taught me how to be a good mom.........
and how incredibly lucky I am that you are mine. I'd ask you to keep a watchful eye on me. To never leave my side. To know that I will keep you always in my heart.
Most important I would look you in the eyes, and simply say,

I love you mom.

As I see the way my life is going
spiraling into a deep obis,
I wonder how I got this far,
and how can I turn back?
I am no longer who I thought I was,
the sweetness of innocence is gone.
Where can I find the joy of little things
before it becomes to late?
The dawn is creeping over me,
and I fear it's to late.
Taken, no, not taken ripped away,
my innocence, and in its place...
is anger and now rebellion, such rebellion.
I allow the anger to take hold.
It has now consumed my soul.
the spiraling has come to a sharp halt.
but wait...there is a bit of light ahead...
is it hope I see? Is there hope for me?
Has this spiral come to an end?
Will I draw upwards once again?
Could I possibly find hope and peace,
in a world full of doubt and darkness?

YES! I see it. The light is there. The hope is there.